I don't remember

which founding father said this (I think it was Thomas Jefferson, but could find no reference), "beware of new activities that require new wardrobes". Maybe I am just mashing up a couple of unrelated ideas. However, I had my first belly dancing class this week, and it was a blast. But, all of a sudden, a single hip belt, however jingly, doesn't seem to be enough anymore. I am craving bling, and bright colors and scarves and...I think a trip to the fabric store is in order.

As for the class, itself? I could do the foot movements. I could do the hip movements. I could do the arm and hand movements. I could even do any two of the above. All three, together? I am grateful I didn't fall. I haven't felt this clumsy and graceless since I've been 12. But still, fun and a lot of laughs, and I am looking forward to next weeks class.

things that make you go hmmmm

For years, when I would finish a ritual, and close down my circle, I would get the sensation of a head cold. My head feels stuffed, my ears, clogged and deaf. These feelings would last until whatever grounding method (usually eating something) would take effect. For whatever reason, I never really wondered why this happened. Tonight, I thought about it. Could it be, that during these rituals, within the circle, in alpha or theta brainwave state, I am more open, using more than the "mundane" senses? And, when I shut down the ritual, close the circle, I am closing down these other senses, but not eradicating the experience of having used them? Is it possible to keep these senses, these channels to the gods open all the time? Should that be a goal worked toward? Or, does that way, madness lay?

Some Strangeness

Not too long ago, I "met" a woman through one of the myriad elists that I am on. Through various posts, and private emails between the two of us, we have noticed some very strange parallels. We seem to be going through the same sort of traumatic emotional/religous/psycho-magical changes (although I think that mine started earlier-I hope for her sake, hers don't last as long as mine seem to have). We even received the same slap down from a Crone Goddess (but not the same Goddess). The odd thing is: we are not twinning-we are more like mirror images of each other, coming from opposite places, heading toward where the other started. Or maybe both of us headed toward some middle and same place? And, what does this all mean, other than it being helpful to have someone to bounce ideas and experiences off of? Or is that enough?

Well, My Record is Perfect

I think that I should just give up on the professional maintenance thing. The nail appointment that got cancelled last week, due to snow and ice got moved to today. Yup, you guessed it. 6 to 8 inches of snow, with ice on top, by the end of the day. Appointment cancelled. I think, for the good of the community and all those who need to commute to work on the east coast, I may give up on the idea of manicures...

Confession

I love what I do to earn money (honesty prevents me from saying "earning a living") but I really hate the "business of business" part of it. Oh for a way of gaining new clients without the business meetings and networking breakfasts and phone calls.

Gemini Horoscope by Maria Vaiano

Wed Feb 20: Lunar Eclipse
Today is the final series of Eclipses in the sign Virgo that we have experienced over the past two years. For you, this has hit your fourth house of home and family causing dramatic life changes in this area. Most likely there has been a move and certainly some upheaval to your family. Now you can rest easy and see the light ahead.

SOME UPHEAVAL IN MY FAMILY?????
But, yes, we are beginning to see the light ahead.
(and yes, this will be the last post of the morning!)

Todays to to list

Drive 1 hour in each direction to drop off new to me sewing machine for maintainance at only dealer in "area." Hope like hell that while I am out of cell phone service area, that 16 year old doesn't call from school nurses office to be picked up early-she really didn't look good when she left for the bus this morning.

Set out spell/poppet materials for full moon cleansing. Remarkable how I've been planning this one for a while, and all the materials arrived (except for the dried roses, which I harvested last summer) the day after Mercury went direct.

Research the proper glue for adhering gems to wood. The rose wand (not really related to project above) is almost ready for starting.

Read, study.

Clean house, pay bills (easily the least favorite part of any day!)

Business phone calls. (not much better than cleaning house)

Inside, WMT, Hermetic ritual.

Outside, Full Moon, eclipse, ritual (note, it will be very cold-dress appropriately)

Oh yeah, make dinner, over see homework, hope for some sleep, tonight.

How Odd

I have a 20 year old daughter. Her birthday was Monday, but she was too busy to let us celebrate with her. Too much fun in the physics lab, where they are finally letting her help with actual experiments, rather than just logging results. Most of the time I really don't feel that I am much older than 20. Of course, there are other times when I feel as if I could be the great grandmother of a 20 year old. Life. its a funny thing.

Belly Dancing

So the universe, friends, and sister have spoken. Belly dancing, it is. At the end of last week, I got a catalogue from yet another school district lets-bring-in-a-little-extra-money continuing ed program, and lo and behold! the same woman is offering the same class on Monday nights in the second district. I also found a fair trade website that sold hip scarves (at least this teacher doesn't expect to make her money selling "required" product).

I only signed up for the beginners class. That way, if I hate it, once spring comes, I won't feel beholden to the class, just because I spent the money. I can always sign up for the intermediate class, later on.

Strangely enough, this will be a real adventure for me. Martial arts, I've experience with. Energy and healing work, I've experience with. Dance? Lets not count the decades...

A Dream (mostly) Unremembered

Last night I had a very vivid dream (if you considered people telling of their dreams the height of self-absorbtion, feel free to skip). Upon waking from it, I thought "what was that all about?" and the answer came "It was a water initiation." As it was still the middle of the night, I got up and went down stairs to write down the dream, but by the time I got to the kitchen, most of it was gone. All I remember is that it took place in a large space, if it was indoors, I was unaware of any walls. A largish group of people ( 20 or so) many of whom I felt I knew. DH was there. A silver vessel-not quite a goblet, not quite a chalice. It was my initiation. I woke up after it ended, as there were congratulations. I don't remember anymore. Frustratingly enough, I remember remembering more. And, aside from DH and myself, I have no idea who any of the other people were, nor anything of the ritual itself.

Googling "water initiation" gets me 3 pages of Buddhist websites and information on water and magnetics, water and building, water and chemistry, and a few listings on baptism. So, more indepth, other than google (at least tonight, in the cold basement) research is called for. I vaguely remember some mention of this in a Dion Fortune book (but then I only vaguely remember anything written by Dion Fortune), so perhaps that is the direction to look in, first?

Tonight, during meditation, I tried to re-enter the dream. I had no success.

Anniversary

Tomorrow, will be the one year anniversary of the start of a very bad year. I can only hope that by the second anniversary, it will have all become such an insignificant memory as not be be noted.

On February 17th, I had my yearly mammogram. Since my mother was only 39 when breast cancer killed her (my sister and I were teenagers at the time), I've been having tender parts of my body painfully squished for picture taking, since I've been 25. Every year, I get a pass for another 12 months. As a result, it had all gotten very routine. Last year was anything but.

First, when I called to make the appointment, I was told that my long term ob/gyn had just and very suddenly retired, due to her own health problems. So I was without a doctor. I made the mammo appointment and went through with the whole event and figured that I would be in and out in short order. I was, sort of.

As I was waiting to be dismissed, the technician came into the dressing room and told me that there was "something on the pictures." Of course, the radiologist had just left for lunch and there was no one else there to read them. I needed to have additional pictures taken, but the technician had no time available in her schedule that day, I "should go to the scheduling desk and make another appointment." I was told at the scheduling desk that the next available appointment wasn't for another 10 days. Since I was in a bit of a fog, and had no one there to speak up for me, I took the appointment. I still needed to find another doctor.

Anyway, to cut a very long story short, between February 17th, and June 6th (which is also my birthday) I had an appointment with a doctor, or a radiologist, or had a mammogram, or an ultrasound or an MRI every 10 days. Because this perfectly concided with the rebuilding of the show that DH worked on, I went to all of these appointments alone. On the 6th, I was cleared of cancer (and very well mapped!). Anomolies, but now the doctors know of them. hooray.

And then, the next day, June 7th, I got a called from a hospital emergancy room in the city. My husband had been taken there, unconscious. A grand mal seizure. Unprecedented in DH's life. Overnight in one hospital. A week in another for testing. Specialists and medicines with side effects. (was I there for him? need you ask?)

As I said, not a good anniversary.

Maintainance

I guess that I am not supposed to be a high maintainance woman. This is the second nail appointment I've had cancelled, due to ice storms and bad roads this month. I don't really want to be high maintainance-I just want to look that way. But the universe isn't cooperating!

Query

So, do I take an evening class in Tai Chi/Chi Kung, Belly Dancing, or a certification class to allow me to volunteer at hospice? Decisions, decisions, but not much time to make them.

Impatience 2

As I had posted earlier, even though I was feeling some dissatisfaction with the JM Greer book, my intuition told me to take the opportunity to use it (and my impatience) as a lesson in discipline, will and self-mastery. I was encouraged by several people to drop the book and try another. Divination said: "trust your intuition." DH, whose judgement I trust (obviously), also said that the situation suggested a lesson in discipline and will. And so, with determination, I decided to soldier on. Funny thing-not only has my attitude greatly improved, once I came to this decision, but I've gained another study partner. Last night, I had dinner with the mother of one of my daughters friends, and we got to talking about magic and practice and study. She asked me to email her the information on the book and on the supplementary reading that I was doing. I did so upon getting home from the dinner. And, this morning, I had an email back from her that she had ordered the two books and was looking forward to starting. And, tomorrow, I get to start a new chapter-and start coloring in my tree, hooray!

Back and forth

I've been going back and forth lately, about the purpose of this blog. Is it a public-ish description of what I am doing? Or is it a should-be-private diary type thing? If, dear reader (and I know that there are one, maybe 2 of you!) you look to read my epistles and the blog doesn't load, its because I've either deleted it to take it elsewhere private, or I've made it for subscribers only (and therefor, private). In which case, contact me.

More on the otter night.

It was a very busy evening for seeing things. There was the otter, playing, which I am taking to be a specific message to me, especially after the household events of the previous 48 hours and the previous 12 months. But wait, there's more!

While doing the LRBP, I got to see, from directly above, someone else doing the LRBP. That person had longish, loose dark hair and was wearing a dark robe. So far, it could have been me. In fact, when I posted the question on a discussion board, that was the most common answer-that I was watching myself on the astral plane. Except, the person I was watching was using a sword, a large sword, and handling it quite easily. And, at least while I was viewing (and doing the ritual, myself, at the same time) I really got the impression that it was not me. There were no physical features, other than the hair, that I could see-I was looking straight down. I could not tell gender. I even asked DH, if, when he did the LRBP, he let loose his hair, thinking that maybe it was him. He said no. So, right now, I just don't know what, or who it was.

And, if that wasn't enough-at the closing of the ritual I cupped my hands, as part of a closing gesture-and my hands seemed to be filled with flame. The flame resembled the braided branches of one of those little bonsai palm trees. Each flame was succint and individual, but clearly braided to the others as well. The colors of the flames were white, green and red. They rose 4 or 5 inches above my hands where they sort of dissapated and turned to a white smoke. It felt warm and very very heavy. When I looked at my shadow on the wall, I could see nothing where the flames were, but very clearly, about 6 inches from the shadow of my hands, was the shadow of the smoke. So what was that all about?

If this was all supposed to be confirmation of my abilities and potential, thats lovely. Simple english prose would be lovelier, still.

When Worlds Collide

I am strangely amused by this. A feminist/witchy friend asked whether I knew of a book, with no author listed. But from some research she did, she said that someone named Brother Moloch may have been involved...did anyone have any info? So I gave her the url for Moloch's website. They have been in contact. Maybe not the last two people in the world that I could see working together, but close. My business networking mentors would be so pleased!

Otter

I saw an otter, playing, tonight, while meditating.

Joy, Primal Feminine Energy
Otters awaken curiosity. They remind us that everything is interesting if we look at it from the right angle.
The Otter totem is connected to the primal feminine energies of life:the elements of both Earth and Water are present in Otter medicine.
With an Otter totem, you must remember the beauty of a balanced female side,creating a space for others to enter our lives without preconceptions or suspicions.Otter teaches that balanced female energy is not catty or jealous,but it is sisterhood and sharing with others.Otter expresses joy for others.
Remember that all of us, both men and women, have a feminine side.
If an Otter has entered your life, it may be time to find some play timein your life, to awaken your inner child.Allow events to unfold naturally in your life. Be careful not to hang on the material thingsin your life that bind you or become a burden.Become Otter and move gently into the river of life.

http://www.linsdomain.com/totems/pages/otter.htm

and

Otter These animals were considered very magickal by the Celts. During the voyages of Maelduine, Brendan and others, these traveling Celts were met by helpful otters. The otter is a strong protector who helps with gaining wisdom, finding inner treasures or valuable talents, faithfulness, and the ability to recover from any crisis. Enjoy life instead of just enduring it.

http://www.joellessacredgrove.com/Celtic/animalallies.html

Little by little

And bit by bit, the light is returning. There is no sign, yet of Spring, outdoors. But, inside, I am all about cleaning up and clearing out and giving away, in preparation for the Equinox and Spring holidays. Every week, we fill our trash alotment. And, every week (if the weather is dry), I put out items by the curb, for adoption by others. Somehow, though, this house doesn't seem any emptier.

Very soon, I will order my garden seeds and plants, and start the Spring projects. This year, we will grow (as we always do) lettuce and spinach and peas in the earliest garden. The tomatoes go in the second garden, and then the squash, in the space left by the spring greens. We should get a good crop from the asparagus this year, and if they aren't trampled by the deer, plenty of rhubarb. DH and I will also be planting more trees.

I really hope my Molly Sanderson violas come back this year!

Of passing note...

A man telling his wife "of course I love you, don't I go to work every day to support the household?" is akin to the wife saying "of course I love you, don't I do your laundry and attend to your children?" These activities are important, but they support the roles of husband and wife; the support of a household-an economic unit. They do not speak to or support hearts and souls.

Impatience

I am getting impatient with the pace of the Greer book. Two or more weeks per chapter, and those chapters tend to be light on ritual and heavy on mental and psychic exercises. Exercises that, for the most part, have not been unfamiliar to me. I like the assigned extra reading, though and the Tree of Life project. But from dipping into other books, and reading websites and e-lists I can see a different world out there, different from the one I've been operating in. I can see it, but I am not there.

What I would like to do is put down the Greer book, and pick up a different text and start again.

What I will do is work through the book at the pace recommended and use the whole experience as a lesson in Patience, Discipline and Self-Mastery.

The Origin of Fiercebunny

Or, why its better to amuse a Goddess, than to piss one off.

Some time ago (nearly a decade ago, now...) I made my dedication to Hecate. The ritual went well, the trance, deep, and I was blessed by Her presence. During the dedication, I requested a name, for use during ritual and in all things relating to magic. As in the case of so many new to magic, I had envisioned a name dramatic, euphonius, and romantic. What I was told was "Bunny." While I was in awe of actually being in the presence of the Goddess, it didn't change my basic personality, and "Bunny" certainly didn't fit with whom I imagined myself being. (who reads the Lord of the Rings, for example, and imagines herself Rosie rather than Galadriel?) So I argued, "not Bunny," but the answer kept coming back, "yes, Bunny." I don't know how many times we went back and forth. Finally, with a hint of laughter in her voice, Hecate said "You certainly are a fierce little bunny, so that is what you should be called." And then, She was gone.

For some reason, when I told that story to a large on line group of women who held Hecate as their Matron, they were horrified. Likewise, several Wiccans were not amused by the story, either. I am not sure whether it was because it would never have occurred to any of them to argue with a God (why not?), or because they were amazed because I wasn't struck down for my impertinence. I can admit that while I wasn't amused at the time (but that was ego), looking back on it now, I am. And grateful for the quirky sense of humor that I was allowed to see.

She left me (at least She left the position of Matron) a little over a year ago. I still use the name in some places and for some uses. As totally lacking in dignity as the name may be, there are still life long lessons for me in it.