Wednesday, August 12, 2009

The Seasons and their Correspondences, thus far

I've always felt that spring was both earthy and male and while I can't say I've been aware of it before, this summer has definitely been a Season of Air. Staying grounded, feet firmly planted has been nearly impossible. My thoughts and emotions had had all the staying power of Will O' Wisps. Highly annoying, and exhausting, too.
When I go outside in the evenings, fireflies dance before me. Birds have become my near constant companions. There are times when it feels as if I've entered an Alfred Hitchcock movie and sometimes I feel more like Cinderella, just waiting for the birds and other wild animals to come and do my household chores for me. These pictures were all taken while sitting here at my desk. The sparrows perch on the window screens and chirp and look at me before flying back to the lilac bushes, but the cardinals do not like to get so close and stay in the lilacs and rose bushes.
In some ways, I wonder if this airyness, this non-groundedness is part of the longer term grieving for my Grandmother. Her house is now sold, there is no place to go back to. I had thought that there might be relief (and there was some), that with my Grandmother gone, I would no longer be the "Oldest Daughter of Saint Irene, the Perfect One." Some years ago, after I had pointed out what a difficult role that was, my Grandmother no longer referred to my mother with those words, at least in my presence, but they were implied right to my Grandmothers last breath. (well, she never used the word "Saint" but she did use the word "perfect" frequently).
All those among the living who remember my mother, remember her in more round and more human ways, so this burden should have been lifted. But with the death of the person who saw me as the "Oldest Daughter of Saint Irene, the Perfect One" I also lost the person who saw me as a reflection of that perfection. A pale and imperfect reflection, of course, but a reflection, none the less.
Those of you who know me from more than one place may have noticed that there are no pictures of me anywhere. With the exception of those "can't get out of it" pictures, there are almost no photographs of me anywhere at all. Historically, this has never bothered me. All pictures ever did would be to show me what I was not. I was not blond and blue eyed (as was my mother), tall (well, taller), stunning and confident. Not having a visual record was easier. But now, in the middle of the night, when normal people are tossing and turning and not sleeping for worry about bills and the economy and politics, I lay in bed and wonder "Do I actually exist?"
So what might the messages from the birds be?

Sparrow: It reflects self-worth. If Sparrow has entered your life, ask
yourself if you know your own self-worth. It was considered the
symbol of friendly household spirits, and a pet to

Cardinal: is a reminder to add “color” to our life
and to remember that everything you do is important. Cardinals stress
recognizing your own importance. The very color of the bird is that
of life's blood. (more or less)

The learning never ends.


My Gal said...

Sister, I think in many ways we may be more twins than sisters. Just this weekend, I had some pictures taken of me. I am dressed as a saloon girl but it is me - Just me. I usually avoid such things like others avoid the plague. It was liberating and wonderful. I have shown them to a few people and that was even more liberating. I highly recommend finding someone you trust who is a good photographer and going for it.

It is so easy for us to be defined as "the good wife", "the good daughter" but it is much harder to be defined in our own right and on our own terms. You are a beautiful and wonderful light. Yes you exist and shine. Shine on you crazy diamond!

Much love sister, much love!

Rufus Opus said...

I think you're reaping the results of your tinctures. "Its Father is the Sun; its Mother is the Moon; the Wind carries it in its womb; and its nurse is the Earth." Very Emerald Tablety.

How is your lunar tincture coming?

Lavanah said...

@MyGal The funny(?) thing about photographs is that there have been some, where I should be visible-but I am not. Due to the play of light and shadows and positioning, even when I am present, all that has shown up is dark space and shadow.

@RO The connection with the tinctures occured to me, too. The lunar tincture is definitely more approachable and I think it will be ready for the next step next week. But there is still nothing Full Moon-ish about it.

Sheta said...

I avoid having my photo taken because I don't like how I look. I never have... even when I looked comparatively good. I hear you on the self-worth issues.

Where did you get your bird energy interpretations? I use this really old, really simple site that has always been pretty accurate for me.

I've been thinking about you a lot lately. *hug*

Lavanah said...

Hi, Sheta
Those are paraphrases from many places, I've been using birds and other animals as augeries for a very long time.